July 13, 2018

Sean Spicer’s launch party is going to be lit


We didn’t get what we wanted.

As you’ve probably heard, Chief Bootlicker, noted dipshit, fun-loving Holocust denier, and former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is now an author. He wrote a book called The Briefing: Politics, the Press and the President. It is being published by Regnery, an imprint of Simon and Schuster, and will be on sale July 24th.

This information alone inspires deep torpor and queasy sadness. In a just world, Sean Spicer be tensely peeking out the back of a garbage truck, wondering where he’s headed — or at least banned from polite society. Instead we had to watch him do a stupid bit at the Emmys, and now we have to read mind-melting passages from his insane book about how the dumbest, meanest person in America was a cool boss.

These, for example, are actual sentences from Spicer’s book, actually:

[Donald Trump] is a unicorn, riding a unicorn over a rainbow. His verbal bluntness involves risks that few candidates would dare take. His ability to pivot from a seemingly career-ending moment to a furious assault on his opponents is a talent few politicians can muster.

So yeah, look forward to 256 pages of that plus a bunch of boring lies about how cool it is to hang out with a bloated, brain-damaged narcissist in his fancy house while you plot the ethnic cleansing of the United States. Also lots of contradictory information about Paul “Lemme Out!” Manafort’s level of association with the 2016 Trump campaign.

If this sounds great to you—well, what are you doing on our website, you pig?—but the good news is you can drop whatever you’re doing and spend thousands and thousands of dollars on tickets to Sean Spicer’s launch party in DC, where you can watch him converse with a woman who wrote a book called Assault and Flattery about “the truth behind the real war on women — the one being waged by Democrats.”

Should be a hoot. Refreshments are included.



Simon Reichley is the Director of Operations and Rights Manager at Melville House.