June 8, 2018

Noted porn-a-roonie fan Ted Cruz makes fun of Bill Clinton’s book tour; irony itself said to be in critical condition

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Not technically the cover of James Patterson and Bill Clinton’s new book.

If you were smelling sulphur yesterday, it’s probably because Ted Cruz was back in the news. Cruz, a cascading font of quasi-human repugnancy, magister to vermin, and genius fucking impressionist, drew attention with a speech he made at the “Road to Majority” luncheon of the Faith and Freedom Coalition, as Candice Norwood reports for Politico. (The Faith and Freedom Coalition, incidentally, intended as a “twenty-first century version of the Christian Coalition,” exists to support such cool and normal policies as criminalizing abortion, excluding gay folks from civil institutions, and bombing lots of countries.)

But it wasn’t his bold, fourteenth-century political agenda that landed the senator in headlines this time — it was his legendary wit.

Speaking of Obamacare, Cruz described the policy’s repeal as the Republicans’ “biggest unfinished promise,” before noting, “That was one of the things that led Bill Clinton to describe Obamacare as ‘the craziest thing in the world.’” (None of the reporting on the speech seems to indicate what was one of the things that Cruz thinks led Clinton to say that, though say that he did. Clinton has offered plenty of unhinged post-presidential statements, as when he lied about his own catastrophic deregulation of the financial sector.)

Then Cruz let loose, and the comedy bombs came a-droppin’: “By the way, his recent media tour is going well,” he said of Clinton.

The joke, of course, is that Clinton’s media tour is not really going well — though it’s been more predictably-self-serving-answers-to-awkward-talk-show-questions than citizen’s-arrest-on-a-dais.

Ted “Porn-a-roonie” Cruz: truly, our homegrown Vlad the Impaler of the one-liner.

The occasion for the questions is Clinton’s tour with giga-author (and, let us hope, eventual Shaun Bythell supporterJames Patterson, to support their jointly-authored new tetra-novel, The President is Missing, out this week from Little, Brown. The book, incidentally, appears to be an absolute sapphire. A representative snippet:

I put my hand on the prime minister’s shoulder. “So please relay that to President Chernokev. And please convey to him that I hope he’s feeling better.”

I lean in to him. “And then let’s see if you can help us stop that virus,” I say.

Oh holy soaring Zarathustra, yes please. Also this:

“What you’re telling us,” says Chancellor Richter, his voice shaky, “is that you’re going to steal the Internet from America.”

Augie looks at Richter, then at me.

“Yes, but that’s just the beginning,” I say. “Augie, tell them what the virus will do.”

Do you think I am making this up? I am not making this up.

Vice President Katherine Brandt sits quietly, her eyes downcast, taking it all in. Even over the computer screen, with its occasional fuzz, its sporadic image-jumping, she looks TV-ready, heavily made up from her appearance on Meet the Press, dressed in a smart red suit and a white blouse.

That’s almost…” She looks up at me.

“Incomprehensible,” I say. “Yes. It’s far worse than we imagined. We have been able to secure our military, but other areas of federal government, and the private sector — the damage is going to be incalculable.”

And Los Angeles… is a decoy.”

And with bated breath, readers the world over await our sequel, The President Gets Ready for a Cold One After a Long Day of  Really Challenging President Stuff That Would Exhaust Anyone, by George W. Bush and John Grisham.

 

 

Ian Dreiblatt is the director of digital media at Melville House.

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