November 3, 2015
MH author screws up, forcing us to placate fictional character
by Melville House
We received the following letter:
Dear Melville House,
I come to you with a heavy, litigious heart. Some weeks ago I was sent an advance copy of Sophia, a so-called work of fiction by Michael Bible. I could not believe what I was reading.
You see, Mr. Bible came to me many years ago seeking relief from acute existential yearnings and I counseled him by recounting my own life story. It now seems Mr. Bible has taken it upon himself to write my story exactly as I told it to him and you folks were crazy enough to publish it. Now, I must admit that the story is told quite well and more than once I chuckled at this version of myself as a randy pastor on the lam from a blind bounty hunter. But this simply does not excuse the fact that no mention of my tireless ministry appears in the book.
Although I am well within my rights to sue the fashionable Brooklyn pants off of Mr. Bible, I am willing to let the book be published under one condition: I am able to distribute spiritual materials with each copy.
If this request is not granted I will be forced to pursue legal action.
Rev. Alvis T. Maloney
We forwarded this email to Mr. Bible and received his reply:
Very funny prank, guys. Am I really going to get sued by one of my own characters?
We assured Mr. Bible that we do not take accusations of this nature lightly and after he spent several tearful, confessional hours in our offices, Mr. Bible finally agreed to consider Rev. Maloney’s demands.
The two parties have now reached the following agreement:
The first 25 people to pre-order Michael Bible’s, ahem, novel Sophia — say, at the author’s hometown indie Square Books, or any good bookseller — will receive a religious tract handwritten by Rev. Maloney; those who order more than one copy will also receive a saint candle, disgraced by the Reverend himself.
To redeem your spiritual guidance, please send pre-order verification (a screen shot of the receipt will do) and a mailing address to [email protected]. Rev. Maloney also requests that upon receipt, you share a picture on social media (#blessedbyMaloney) as evidence that Melville House has accommodated his requests.
We feel that this is the best solution for everyone involved and hope you will enjoy Sophia. Pre-order today!