May 22, 2014

God is cutting to the chase, just smiting indie bookstores with lightning now


Tlaloc doesn't think your tote bags are cute.

Tlaloc doesn’t think your tote bags are cute.

In perhaps the most explicit sign yet of his continued hatred of indie bookstores, God just went ahead and burned one down with a lightning bolt earlier this month.

“An iconic book and music store in Genesee County [Michigan] has been destroyed following a fire Wednesday night” writes Amanda Emery on “Grand Blanc Fire Chief James Harmes said the call for a fire at Jellybean’s Used Book, Music & Game Exchange came in around 8:24 p.m. on Wednesday, May 7. Harmes said lightning hit the roof of the store causing the fire. When fire crews arrived the fire had spread from the roof through the back of the building.”

Jellybean’s is a small family-run chain in the area, founded in downtown Flint in 1978. One location was closed in 2012. The store that the All-Father dickishly smote on May 7th was the largest of the remaining stores.

“Firefighters told Samek the lightning bolt went straight through the roof,” writes Blake Thorne, “through the floor and into the basement. Inside, it was like a bomb went off.”

“Oh yeah that was awesome,” thundered He of the 999 names, when reached for comment. “Bookstores suck. Particularly indies with cool selections. I built this whole creation” she continued, pointing at the massive turtle beneath her, “and what do you shits do? You invent other worlds, where things are happier or sadder or more uneasy. You usurp my terrible might, you use it willy nilly to invent your own sexy dukes and harpooners. And then these cute little bookstores just let any old jumped-up monkey read all about love and life, let them escape misery or find it, give them ways to draw nearer to or turn their faces from Me.”

“I don’t want you reading all these cool stories,” continued God. “And indie bookstores are still the best vehicles for finding those. Medamned indies with their discoveries and their helpfulness and their cats. That’s why I gave all that power to that crazy bald dude, Jeff. His whole purpose is to crush these cute little loci of Story. Well, and to hasten Ragnarok, but that’s… forget I said that. Why do you think dude looks and sounds like he’s been huffing the ol’ oracle gas? But some of these stores insist on surviving even my cackly cruel little seneschal so, screw it, time for lightning.”

As of press time, however, the majority of independent bookstores around the world are not on fire, suggesting that perhaps Story and the heroes who help spread it can stand up to even the sparkiest of deities, or else God found something else to draw her prodigious ire. Somebody carved a winged snake wrong or something, probably.


Dustin Kurtz is former marketing manager of Melville House.