May 23, 2017

Dear Amazon, What’s with all the bananas?

by

Dear Amazon,

Hi. Listen, I need to ask you something.

Now before you get all defensive, this isn’t about the whole buy-button thing (which, by the way, c’mon guys, that suuuucks), or about that store you’re apparently building in LA (which, I just gotta say, please guys can we not?).

Before you get your guard up, this isn’t about that group of angry Amazon Air pilots heading to your shareholders meeting today to protest their abysmal working conditions (though, sorry guys but that completely blows). I don’t want to discuss that facility you just announced you’re opening in France to develop your drone technology (though, we’ve talked about this). Your vampirically eyeing other lines of business—pharmaceuticals, groceries—I mean, look, that’s absolutely fucking horrible of you, but it’s not what I’m writing about.

No, I just want to talk about the bananas.

Seriously, the banana thing is weird.

Yeah, Laura Stevens wrote about this in the Wall Street Journal: apparently, you guys set up a free banana stand at your corporate headquarters in Seattle? And paid people to give away free bananas to your employees? And gave away nearly two million bananas? Which ran everyone in the neighborhood completely out of the banana business? And you officially called the people giving out the bananas “banistas” and “bananagers”?

Listen, Amazon, why would you do that? I’m really asking. Like, what part of aggressive data-farming and flying-robot-army-development and monopoly-cultivation brought you right up to the edge of free banana distribution?

Do you hate not only booksellers, publishers, pharmacists, grocers, and pilots, but also banana peddlers? Did the banana sellers of Seattle do something to hurt you?

Amazon, what happened that made you this way?

(Except for calling them bananagers, that’s actually pretty funny. But still, you’re the worst.)

Why are you doing this? Why did you decide to go after the banana trade?

Why, Amazon? Why?

I’m here anytime you want to talk.

 

Your friend,

A Concerned Citizen

 

 

 

Ian Dreiblatt is the director of digital media at Melville House.

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