January 10, 2017

An update on Amazon’s quest to become the ultimate power in the universe


It’s too big to be a space station. Via Wikipedia.

It’s too big to be a space station. Via Wikipedia.

Last summer, we reported that Amazon, a wretched hive of scum and villainy operating under the leadership of vaguely reptilian CEO Jeff Bezos, had set its sights on Manhattan as a likely future location for Amazon Books, a physical installation serving triple duty as a mass data collection point, brick-and-mortar bookstore with no stake in the local economy (or in, y’know, reading), and armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet. We reported then that “another Amazon Books store is being planned for the island of Manhattan — specifically, the Hudson Yards on the western flank of Midtown.”

But in reporting at the Wall Street Journal last week, Keiko Morris writes that, while plans for a Hudson Yards outlet remain alive, Amazon has confirmed it will build its first New York store at Columbus Circle this spring, more than a year before the Hudson Yards site is expected to open. The store will be 4,000 square feet in size, and will stand very near the former site of the Circle’s Borders — by comparison, an elegant retail chain for a more civilized age.

According to stolen data tapes, at least three more stores are currently set to open, two near Boston and one in Paramus, New Jersey.

There is much more that could be said here — of how oddly fitting it is for Amazon to be leaving its footprint on a corner of Manhattan named for one of history’s great genocidal dillweeds; of how it may only have been a matter of time before the Bezosians followed in the path of Chick-fil-A (winners of the Strom Thurmond Memorial Prize For Somehow Actually No Really Managing to Make Chicken Sandwiches Homophobic); of how they’ve been building a clone army capable of deploying from any number of launch points; of how nice it will be, now that Bezos and the vile skill crane come alive known as President-elect Donald Trump have set aside their differences at last, for the flagship of Amazon’s fleet to harbor so close to the fortress from which Trump conducts his business.

For future updates on the struggle for galactic freedom, watch this space.



Ian Dreiblatt is the former Director of Digital Media at Melville House.