Full disclosure: This interview did not go as planned. I envisioned it as a cordial, informative conversation with one of the Christopher Bouchers who appear in the new mockmuster novel Big Giant Floating Head, by Christopher Boucher (To be clear, I also appear in the book, as a professor-turned-journalist Boucher.), but it quickly devolved into something else. In the end, though, I hope the Bouchers’ passion—misguided though it may be—might give you some sense for the book itself. 

I met Boucher at the Denouement, a watering hole in Coolidge, Mass. The place was full of Bouchers, but the one I was waiting for—Boucher as gutter-installer, the one who begins the book—was forty-five minutes late; I was just about to leave when he huffed in, punched me on the shoulder, and sat down beside me. I don’t mind admitting that I was irked. I was doing Boucher a favor, after all. He might just as well have been interviewing me! 

The interview that follows has not been edited; it’s a straight transcript of our conversation. 

 — Christopher Boucher

BOUCHER: Ey.

CHRISTOPHER: Hey! Didn’t we say four-thirty?

BOUCHER: What time is it now?

CHRISTOPHER: It’s past five.

BOUCHER: Listen, you’re lucky I’m here at all.

CHRISTOPHER: Why? I thought you’d jump at the chance to talk about the book and your role in it.

BOUCHER: So you invite me to a Boucherbar?

CHRISTOPHER: You’re a Boucher!

BOUCHER: That’s not something I want to be reminded of. Look at those sorries back there.

CHRISTOPHER: Shh! Are you trying to get your ass kicked?

BOUCHER: By who? These whip-poor-wills?

CHRISTOPHER: I didn’t come here to argue. I just thought we could try to give the readers a sense for the book. Which, personally, I think is a bit difficult to describe.

BOUCHER: And you thought I could help you with that? To me it’s—sheesh. I mean, you could tell them it’s about a guy whose life is falling apart. About a failure—a professional loser.

CHRISTOPHER: Loser? Isn’t that a bit harsh?

BOUCHER: I don’t think so. What doesn’t Boucher lose in this book? He loses girlfriends, wives, jobs. (Points to Christopher’s head.) Hair! Dignity. Even words themselves!

CHRISTOPHER: Could we call it a book about heartbreak? Think about our scenes with Liz, for example. And the chapter where everything divorces us.

BOUCHER: You know who you want to talk to about this? (Looks into the back room of the Denouement and sees a Boucher playing the game “Roaches!”) Chris! Hey Chris!

A new Boucher – Boucher from the “Bodywall” chapter – turns away from the video game and walks towards the bar. This Boucher, Chris, has a brick wall running down the center of his body and he’s held together by bungee cords.

CHRIS: Hey.

BOUCHER: Hey man. (They do a complicated literary handshake.) This is Christopher.

CHRIS: Yeah, you’re the journalist.

BOUCHER: We’re talking Big Giant Floating Head.

CHRISTOPHER: For The Daily Whale.

BOUCHER: I thought you might have the words to describe it.

CHRISTOPHER: Would you say that heartbreak is a central theme in the book?

CHRIS: Maybe. But heartache that takes really strange shapes. There was that time we couldn’t hold onto anything. And then our friendship with the Suicide.

BOUCHER: I don’t think heartbreak totally captures it either.

CHRIS: And the man who died because of Boucher.

BOUCHER: At its core, though, don’t you think the book’s about Boucher’s heart itself—

CHRISTOPHER: And don’t forget the Unloveables.

BOUCHER: Listen. Will you guys listen to me?

CHRIS: Right! And that really unwelcoming hotel.

BOUCHER: Listen! You want to know what the book’s really about? (Reaches into his shirt, pulls out his heart, and slams it on the table.)

CHRIS: Whoa!

CHRISTOPHER: What are you—what’s—oh God.

Chris and Christopher stare at the heart.

CHRIS: What is that thing?

CHRISTOPHER: It has eyes.

CHRIS: Is it a—fish?

CHRISTOPHER: No. Is it? It looks more like a potato to me.

BOUCHER: It’s not a potato. Or a fish! It’s my heart!

Then a fourth Boucher—obese, completely bald, with a tattoo of a book on his neck—storms over.

BOUNCER-BOUCHER: Sir. Please put your heart away.

CHRISTOPHER: I’m seriously going to be sick.

BOUCHER: You hear how strangely it beats? How it sort of only half works?

BOUNCER-BOUCHER: Sir? Either put your heart away or I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

CHRISTOPHER: Guys, please. Let’s all just calm down. I have more questions! I want to know what Liz thinks about the novel, and what you think a novel in 2019 is for.

BOUCHER: If you listen to it, you’ll hear the whole book. (Picking up the troutpotatoheart.) Trust me! Just—

BOUNCER-BOUCHER: Buddy, I’m giving you one last chance.

BOUCHER: —put your ear to the heart and listen!

Bouncer-Boucher tackles Boucher and wrestles him to the ground. As Boucher tries to kick away, Christopher catches a foot to the mouth. Chris slinks off, and Boucher’s heart is knocked to the floor and crushed underfoot. Bouncer-Boucher pulls Boucher out of the bar as the Bouchers in the back room jeer at him.

BOUCHER: I fucking hate you. I hate you all! I don’t ever want to see any of you ever again!

End of Interview.

You can order Big Giant Floating Head HERE