Martin Luther’s big book of insults
by Kevin Murphy
You there! You look like you’re feeling pretty good. What, did you give a fancy presentation at work that had the bosses smiling and winking approvals? Or maybe you and your partner were up this morning at sixish, running five miles and loving every minute of it? Have all of your 2013 resolutions actually survived the first three weeks of the year? Bah, it’s time to come back down to earth, groundling. And who better to do it than one of history’s great grumps: Martin Luther.
Please direct your attention to exhibit A: The Lutheran Insulter. This simple and wholly necessary piece of technology collects hundreds of insults culled from Luther’s various works and reproduces them at random whenever the “insult me again” button is clicked.
Now, before you start quoting some wishy-washy positivity pulled from the self-help book you bought yourself over the holidays, realize that trying to negate Luther’s digitized, insulting power is futile. There is no escape. After all, Martin Luther is no schmuck. The man knows how to issue a takedown. He took it to the Pope, for crying out loud, back when the Pope could, would kill you for the merest infraction upon his divine glow.
If the optimism you’re feeling at this very moment has you levitating serenely above your seat, I suggest a quick and rapid dose of Lutheran disses to get you right again.
Some good thoughts that can easily be remedied include:
“Yay, the weekend is almost here …”
“Yup, I sure did get that raise because I deserved it …”
“Wow, just when you think society can’t get any worse, something wonderful happens …”
See? Fixed. And just in case your gleefulness has reached dire levels, levels not even Luther can abate, slap yourself in the face immediately and visit the Bard himself, whose quips are nothing to quibble with.
Kevin Murphy is the digital media marketing manager of Melville House.