Books for consoling your favorite disheartened millionaire
by Dustin Kurtz
Sometimes things don’t go your way. Sometimes you’re chugging along, shaking hands, grinning, the wind at your back and the sweaty palm of the free market on your shoulder, when all of a sudden it turns sour. For some reason, the people you’ve worked so tirelessly to help disenfranchise just don’t seem to like you. It happens to all of us, the best and the grotesquely wealthy alike. There’s no predicting the hows or the whys.
Sometimes my friends, when life gives you lemons and your platform of lies, misogyny and pandering extremism doesn’t pan out, there’s nothing for it but to curl up on your couch built of gold ingots with a good book. That’s why we’ve chosen seven books that are sure to cheer even the glummest millionaire like you up.
Who doesn’t love Dilbert? To see a man’s life worn away over days, weeks, years, as he toils at wage slavery, grist in some beige capitalist mill, a fate whose grimness neither you nor anyone you know can even come close to comprehending, it’s sheer hilarity. And look at his tie, it’s just so crooked! Even better, imagine how fun it would be to fire him and restructure his company into dire insolvency. See, you feel better already!
This is the story of a plucky winner, a guy who really knows how to get ahead. An inspiring book, sure to fill you with your same old pep and disdain for 47% of the populace in no time. It’s a long one, so be sure to hire a human bookmark or two ready to slip a finger in to hold your place if you get bored or distracted by the wheelbarrows of untaxed capital gains trundling past your boudoir toward the cash pit.
Another classic, to help you understand the emotional turmoil you’re experiencing. This one will be more pertinent if, every time Kubler Ross writes “loved one” —as in “loss of a loved one”—you cross it out and replace it with a bunch of crudely scribbled dollar signs.
Wait, they can have more than one syllable?
This one is reassuring for some pretty obvious reasons.
There’s something to be said for the healing powers of knowing others are worse off. Imagine, for instance, the people who have to maintain their own yachts. You may have had everything you’ve been striving for for about eight years now yanked out from under you, but at least you’re not *shudder* a handyman.
The story of exactly what you’re getting away with. Disheartening, enraging and rousing to 99.99% of the populace, but a laugh riot for you. Is that a smile I see? There you go, I knew you had it in you! Now go outside and play; your corrupt, rich, pasty white friends have missed you.
Dustin Kurtz is the marketing manager of Melville House, and a former bookseller.